‘Sauced’ burglar drenched in BBQ camouflage

One Wisconsin burglar had more than sticky fingers when he broke into a family’s home recently–he was discovered in the basement, inexplicably drenched in BBQ sauce. The residents heard the cookout-ready crook whistling down below, which drew the attention–and the firepower–of the homeowner, who kept a shotgun trained on the painted perp until police arrived and questioned his edible attire. The suspect’s saucy response stated he was covered in ‘urban camouflage,’ since he was ‘on the run from the government.’ Perhaps he’s on to something: somewhere in a distant land, tucked away in a cave, Osama bin Laden may be covered in KC Masterpiece sauce. Paging Hannibal Lecter!

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Woman buckles up beer over baby

Calling Mommie Dearest: When a cop pulled over a Florida woman for running a red light, he noticed two things: a 24-pack of beer was securely strapped into the passenger’s seat, and a 16-month-old free-range toddler was in the back seat, unsecured.

When the officer asked why the baby was without a car seat, while the beer was protected from oncoming impact, the soused driver gave no explanation.

“I don’t know,” she told the officer.

The tiny tot was with her 20-year-old mother in the back seat, although news accounts don’t specify if the driver was related to the mother and young daughter. The drunken beer-belter was arrested, and charged with child abuse and DUI among other charges. A $31,000 bail was set, but there’s no evidence that the protected 24-pack offered to put up the lira to loose its loving master, or even visited her in jail.

Memphis man has worst day ever, but remembers clean underwear rule

It’s like Mama said: always leave the house with clean underwear on, because you never know when you’ll be in a car accident, then shot, and end up arrested in a Mickey D’s in your tighty-whities. Halloween gave one man the wedgie of a lifetime with a self-inflicted really bad day, the kind that folk singers just love to write about. The man first crashed his auto into a Memphis street pole, then picked a residence near the scene and began banging and kicking on the door. At first, no one answered, then the man finally found someone at home when he kicked in a window, and was promptly shot by the homeowner. He made his escape, but the kicking car crash victim left behind more than just memories–he also left behind all his clothes, his Underoo-clad butt bouncing in the breeze. The homeowner stated that he didn’t see the man face to face, but apparently he saw the streaker’s best side as the man ran to a McDonald’s, threw a rock through the front window, and was finally apprehended by Memphis’ finest in his t-shirt and underpants, bleeding from a cut and a bullet wound.

In the understatement of the year, one witness noted that he must have been on ‘some high-powered something.’ Yes, and mind-altering substances may have been involved as well.

Free beer for crime-stoppers!

Anxious over the theft of a laptop, a New Zealand brewery has offered free beer for life (actually, about 12 bottles a month for life) to anyone who can point out the light-fingered Louie. Although the company has back-ups of the lost laptop’s info, they still would like to bring back the lost bits and bytes since several files include up-to-date sensitive info regarding designs, financial statements and contracts. In a related story, brew-craving mobs have hit the streets in New Zealand, checking out all laptops (not really, but it would be cool); however, odds are good that the thief himself (or herself) will try to claim the refreshing reward.

But does he do windows?

Really, who hasn’t wanted to do this? An Alabama couple returned home after a trip to find their house burgled, and the few possessions left scattered in piles. While still reeling from the shock, they found the burglar still in the home, wearing the husband’s hat. The husband held the less-than-bright thief at gunpoint, making him clean up the mess he had made in the house. When the police arrived, the thief had the nerve–or lack of brain cells–to complain about his forced foray into housework, but the cop had no pity, telling the unhappy housekeeper that most other people would have just shot him dead instead of making him undo the dirty work.

Perhaps the gun-toting taskmaster would be willing to freelance beyond protecting the dignity of his family, boosting the helpfulness quotient of rude salesclerks, and making customer service people actually help callers with their problems. Ah, we can dream.