When turkeys attack!

‘Don’t let the turkeys get you down’ is more than an aging catchphrase in Brookline, Mass. Aggressive and unruly hooligans have been harassing passersby, and the law can’t do a thing about it. Wild turkeys have taken to the streets, especially Beacon Street, terrorizing the locals, pecking pedestrians, and making the daily run at Dunkin’ Donuts an obstacle course. One even followed a woman for a whole block, pecking her butt the whole way, which is waaaaay more humiliating than construction worker wolf whistles.

Since they’re a protected species in the state, animal control can’t relocate them or kill them and serve ’em up with cranberry sauce. The fowl felons are up to four feet tall with bad attitudes, but the best self-defense advice one animal control officer gave to a reporter was, ‘hit it with your purse and scare it away.’ Yeah, because that technique works so well on muggers, thugs and cocky giant birds.

If the turkey attacks don’t let up, I predict illegal vigilante violence, followed by big Thanksgiving dinners all around town.