Australians: Get these %$#@ snakes off this %$#@ plane!

Calling Samuel L. Jackson: You’re needed Down Under.

Four out of twelve baby pythons escaped from their cargo box during a recent flight from Alice Springs to Melbourne earlier this week, causing the airline to cancel two flights while searching for the slithering tykes. The tiny terrors, shipped with their less rebellious brethren in a foam box with holes, had apparently de-boarded, according to a snake expert who attempted to ferret out the non-poisonous wigglers. The plane was then fumigated, and put back in service. Reports of four slithery hitch hikers carrying tiny bags of peanuts near the airport couldn’t be confirmed.

In a related story, the latest trend of flying while tucking your feet under you and slapping at any magazine that moves seems to be all the rage.

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Forget biting; dogs shoot man

Every year or so, we see a story like this pop up: hunter goes out with dogs, hunter props gun up on tree or some other precarious place, hunter then walks in front of gun, dogs see their chance, and hunter goes down like an eight-point buck.

Okay, so this year it was during a pheasant hunt, but it’s good to see that the dogs are finally getting organized. They didn’t kill the hunter, just wounded him with a leg shot, but it was probably enough to get taken home so they could couch out and have some kibble.  The increase in successful hunter hits could be attributed to better networking; perhaps a doggie newsletter, or the canine equivalent of MySpace and Facebook, which would be MySniff and, well, the other end of the book. Until we have a list of their demands, the dog-on-hunter violence is likely to continue, so just remember this:

1. Be good to your dogs.

2. Don’t walk in front of the gun barrel, idiot.

If you forget to give your puppy plenty of walks, treats and attention, and your ammo starts disappearing, hey, you were warned.

When turkeys attack!

‘Don’t let the turkeys get you down’ is more than an aging catchphrase in Brookline, Mass. Aggressive and unruly hooligans have been harassing passersby, and the law can’t do a thing about it. Wild turkeys have taken to the streets, especially Beacon Street, terrorizing the locals, pecking pedestrians, and making the daily run at Dunkin’ Donuts an obstacle course. One even followed a woman for a whole block, pecking her butt the whole way, which is waaaaay more humiliating than construction worker wolf whistles.

Since they’re a protected species in the state, animal control can’t relocate them or kill them and serve ’em up with cranberry sauce. The fowl felons are up to four feet tall with bad attitudes, but the best self-defense advice one animal control officer gave to a reporter was, ‘hit it with your purse and scare it away.’ Yeah, because that technique works so well on muggers, thugs and cocky giant birds.

If the turkey attacks don’t let up, I predict illegal vigilante violence, followed by big Thanksgiving dinners all around town.

Even Fido knows to ‘Stop, Drop and Roll’

Channeling a 1970s PSA, Jackson, a 150-pound Newfoundland, has officially earned the title of ‘Wonder Dog’ after keeping a cool head during a house fire. The dog jumped into the tub, pulled the curtain closed, and figured out how to breathe through the drain until help arrived. The family, having already been through some rough times (including having the house catch fire) said that Jackson is part of the family, and losing him would have been unthinkable. Even the fireman stated that the dog somehow figured out an ‘old school’ fireman’s method for survival. Guess someone has just earned a lifetime of Scooby Snacks and belly woogies.

Show some ink for monkey love

It’s animal attraction day here at Weird Its, with the soap-opera worthy story of Sibu the Orangutan, located at a primate park in Amsterdam.

Seems Sibu is refusing the lady charms of fellow orangutans, and trying to save all his monkey love for hot, blonde tattooed women keepers. Apparently the blonde female fetish isn’t unusual for orangutans, according to a spokesperson, although the twist with tats is new. Keepers have an inkling that his preference for inked skin came from his childhood, and the intensely tattooed woman who cared for him.

So, ladies, it’s the same sad story: a big, hairy dude with a mommy complex. The only primarily primate girl the 31-year-old Sibu has shown a spark for lives in England, and he’ll be reunited with his British babe sometime in the future.