Wallabies, not E.T., are flying high in Tasmanian crop circles

From the you-can’t-make-this-crap-up department:

First the Alien Autopsy hoax, now this: recent crop circles in Tasmania aren’t being created from on high, they’re the result of being high. Some toking teenagers with ropes and boards? Not this time; blame it on Woodstock for Wallabies. The animals are snacking in the poppy fields, then grooving to their own beat and stomping circles into the harvest. While getting hoppy in the poppies is nothing new, these whacked-out wallabies had UFO researchers fooled briefly, before farmers set the story straight. No reports on anyone actually interviewing the spaced-out kangaroo cousins to see if they saw aliens during their rave, most likely because the eyewitness account would be “Hey, duuuuuuuuude, you got any Chee-tos?”

Likewise, reports that the ringleader was an animated Tasmanian Devil have not been verified.

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Curiosity? Forget the cat; watch the octopus

A prankster flooded the offices of the Santa Monica Pier Aquarium (warning, PDF link) recently, but the culprit didn’t make a clean escape; in fact, it was an inside job.

Staff members blame a small, friendly two-spotted octopus, and since she has eight arms, one can assume she’s all hands, although no one knows if she was just trying to get a leg up in the aquarium food chain. Apparently the super-ambidextrous showgirl pulled on a valve in her tank, flooding it and the facility’s offices.  Local authorities believe the incident was a natural accident, but a talkative sea urchin says too many safe-cracking movies may be to blame.

The staff cleaned up the water just before a large group of schoolkids showed up for a tour, which robbed the tots of some true entertainment: watching the wily octopus make her bid for liquid world domination.

An additional note: isn’t it nice to read about something ‘octo’ without the word ‘mom’ attached?

Bride and groom run for the border with Taco Bell nuptials

Ah, weddings! Something old, something new, something borrowed, something…with cheese? An Illinois couple (from the seemingly misnamed town of Normal) tied the Gordita knot recently in a neighborhood Taco Bell. Party favors were sauce packets, and the happy lovebirds sealed their spicy yet inexpensive love with the help of an online-ordained, t-shirt-wearing minister. News reports say that the bride looked resplendent in a $15 hot pink dress, and the entire wedding cost $200. Seriously? Who could spend $200 at Taco Bell?

The honeymoon plans were not disclosed to the press, although rumors of a weekend spent in a Winnebago located in the eatery’s parking lot wouldn’t be far off base; one day, the newlyweirds will have to explain the whole story to their daughter, Volcano Taco.

Stewardess has Wonka-esque ticket to ride

What would be better than scoring the last Golden Ticket into Willy Wonka’s fictional candy factory? Try a real-life ticket to space, the final frontier, for one French ‘air hostess.’ (Sorry, but that brings Twinkies to mind; let’s stick with stewardess, just for retro fun.)

The hungry sky worker grabbed a Kit Kat bar at a local French supermarket and snarfed down the chocolate, not thinking about Nestle’s space race contest until the sugar high wore off. A couple of hours later, she returned to the scene of the snack, and found the winning wrapper in the refuse. The ticket wins her a seat on the Rocketplane XP, part of an developing project to bring economical space travel to the masses—because we as a species have apparently already achieved cheap, comfortable, punctual air travel here on earth.

The high-flying choco-fan also receives several days of training like an astronaut in Oklahoma City, which may be more of a culture shock for her than the actual trip into space. Let’s just hope when she gets to claim her final prize, she overcomes the urge to make sure everyone is strapped in securely with their cell phones turned off.

Actually, yes, Jesus IS my co-pilot

A pair of panicky New Zealand pilots landed on prayer power when the fuel in their ultralight plane ran out during a recent flight. The plane quickly became gravity’s plaything, and both Christian flyers started sending out SOS signals to the Big Air Traffic Controller Upstairs, praying for a landing spot that was past an upcoming and dangerous ridge, yet not in the sea. They received their answer when a small airfield suddenly came into view, and the duo landed their craft safely on a grassy strip of land. Lest they forget who supplied the soft landing, the small plane finally stopped next to a 20-foot reminder: a very large sign that stated ‘Jesus is Lord.’

Even the Big Guy knows it pays to advertise.

Fire sale means eBay garage sale for Bear Stearns employees

The fire sale of Bear Stearns last week meant a four-alarm wake-up call for company’s 14,000 staff members, many of whom will be spending some time in the unemployment line soon. But a few enterprising employees are creating their own Bear market on eBay, where items branded with the company name are stacking up. So far, more than 40 items have been listed, from t-shirts to teddy bears, cafeteria cards to stock certificates. On one cafeteria card auction, the description includes the forlorn phrase ‘no longer needed, unfortunately.’

Most of the items have bids, although whether it’s due to a collecting frenzy or just trying to help some folks in need, no one can say. Yeah, we’re pretty sure it’s a collecting frenzy, too. At least one seller came with a sense of humor, toting a toy bear with the description, “Do not delay, bail out a Bear today! Money upfront only-no ‘loansies’-we’ve already got into enough trouble with that.

Another auction featured a Bear Stearns hard hat, a lovely, poetic bit of irony, since it couldn’t protect its owner much from falling stock prices. Although you have to wonder, considering what bears do in the woods, did anyone issue hard hats before that hit the fan?