Forget biting; dogs shoot man

Every year or so, we see a story like this pop up: hunter goes out with dogs, hunter props gun up on tree or some other precarious place, hunter then walks in front of gun, dogs see their chance, and hunter goes down like an eight-point buck.

Okay, so this year it was during a pheasant hunt, but it’s good to see that the dogs are finally getting organized. They didn’t kill the hunter, just wounded him with a leg shot, but it was probably enough to get taken home so they could couch out and have some kibble.  The increase in successful hunter hits could be attributed to better networking; perhaps a doggie newsletter, or the canine equivalent of MySpace and Facebook, which would be MySniff and, well, the other end of the book. Until we have a list of their demands, the dog-on-hunter violence is likely to continue, so just remember this:

1. Be good to your dogs.

2. Don’t walk in front of the gun barrel, idiot.

If you forget to give your puppy plenty of walks, treats and attention, and your ammo starts disappearing, hey, you were warned.

Drunk or zombie? German citizens can’t tell

When traveling through Germany, remember this rule: Don’t fall asleep on the train in zombie makeup. A young man, dressed in his bloody best for an early Halloween bash, caught some inebriated snooze time while riding home on the train. Fellow passengers mistook the makeup for actual blood; when they couldn’t immediately revive the pooped-out partier, they assumed he was a murder victim and contacted the authorities. After determining the man was indeed alive, just pickled to the gills, he was allowed to continue his trip–sans his gory decoration. The incident happened in Bad Segeburg, a rural area that isn’t as familiar with the Halloween tradition, said a police spokesperson, and apparently is zombie-free. Wonder what would happen if he traveled through Good Segeburg?

What a shock: people believe in ghosts and UFOs


The AP just released a story stating that one-third of people polled believe in ghosts. They also offer up lots of other not-so-revealing statistics from their questioning of just over 1,000 people with nothing better to do, like men and poor people are more likely to see a UFO. More urban than country folk are superstitious, and the most often-picked superstition is to pluck a four-leaf clover. No data was available on how many UFOs a clover-picker sees, but it’s unlikely to be very many, since they are looking down most of the time. Also, how do urban myth-believers find four-leaf clovers?

Three in ten people have awakened to the feeling that a strange presence was in the room, and oddly enough, most of them were single. No surprise, really, because 100 percent of married people will wake up occasionally and feel a strange presence. It’s more wishful thinking for lonely souls and a simple realization of truth in the wee hours for those betrothed.

We shouldn’t be shocked that more people believe in the supernatural. We’re told to believe in flesh-eating viruses, sheep cloning, satellites that can tell if you’re wearing a bra, and the wacky world of politics. An occasional ghost now and then is likely to be the most normal part of our day.

When turkeys attack!

‘Don’t let the turkeys get you down’ is more than an aging catchphrase in Brookline, Mass. Aggressive and unruly hooligans have been harassing passersby, and the law can’t do a thing about it. Wild turkeys have taken to the streets, especially Beacon Street, terrorizing the locals, pecking pedestrians, and making the daily run at Dunkin’ Donuts an obstacle course. One even followed a woman for a whole block, pecking her butt the whole way, which is waaaaay more humiliating than construction worker wolf whistles.

Since they’re a protected species in the state, animal control can’t relocate them or kill them and serve ’em up with cranberry sauce. The fowl felons are up to four feet tall with bad attitudes, but the best self-defense advice one animal control officer gave to a reporter was, ‘hit it with your purse and scare it away.’ Yeah, because that technique works so well on muggers, thugs and cocky giant birds.

If the turkey attacks don’t let up, I predict illegal vigilante violence, followed by big Thanksgiving dinners all around town.

Free beer for crime-stoppers!

Anxious over the theft of a laptop, a New Zealand brewery has offered free beer for life (actually, about 12 bottles a month for life) to anyone who can point out the light-fingered Louie. Although the company has back-ups of the lost laptop’s info, they still would like to bring back the lost bits and bytes since several files include up-to-date sensitive info regarding designs, financial statements and contracts. In a related story, brew-craving mobs have hit the streets in New Zealand, checking out all laptops (not really, but it would be cool); however, odds are good that the thief himself (or herself) will try to claim the refreshing reward.

But does he do windows?

Really, who hasn’t wanted to do this? An Alabama couple returned home after a trip to find their house burgled, and the few possessions left scattered in piles. While still reeling from the shock, they found the burglar still in the home, wearing the husband’s hat. The husband held the less-than-bright thief at gunpoint, making him clean up the mess he had made in the house. When the police arrived, the thief had the nerve–or lack of brain cells–to complain about his forced foray into housework, but the cop had no pity, telling the unhappy housekeeper that most other people would have just shot him dead instead of making him undo the dirty work.

Perhaps the gun-toting taskmaster would be willing to freelance beyond protecting the dignity of his family, boosting the helpfulness quotient of rude salesclerks, and making customer service people actually help callers with their problems. Ah, we can dream.

Even Fido knows to ‘Stop, Drop and Roll’

Channeling a 1970s PSA, Jackson, a 150-pound Newfoundland, has officially earned the title of ‘Wonder Dog’ after keeping a cool head during a house fire. The dog jumped into the tub, pulled the curtain closed, and figured out how to breathe through the drain until help arrived. The family, having already been through some rough times (including having the house catch fire) said that Jackson is part of the family, and losing him would have been unthinkable. Even the fireman stated that the dog somehow figured out an ‘old school’ fireman’s method for survival. Guess someone has just earned a lifetime of Scooby Snacks and belly woogies.

Show some ink for monkey love

It’s animal attraction day here at Weird Its, with the soap-opera worthy story of Sibu the Orangutan, located at a primate park in Amsterdam.

Seems Sibu is refusing the lady charms of fellow orangutans, and trying to save all his monkey love for hot, blonde tattooed women keepers. Apparently the blonde female fetish isn’t unusual for orangutans, according to a spokesperson, although the twist with tats is new. Keepers have an inkling that his preference for inked skin came from his childhood, and the intensely tattooed woman who cared for him.

So, ladies, it’s the same sad story: a big, hairy dude with a mommy complex. The only primarily primate girl the 31-year-old Sibu has shown a spark for lives in England, and he’ll be reunited with his British babe sometime in the future.

Would you?

You find a plastic bag along the highway. You look inside, and find $65,000 in cash. Do you turn it in? That’s what one very honest woman did in Florida; she said she never even thought about keeping the cash, which somehow fell out of an armored car. The sucky part is, since she works for the solid waste department (that’s not the sucky part), she’s a government employee and can not receive any reward (that’s the sucky part). Her boss said he might arrange for some time off. Perhaps she should spend a bit of that time walking along the highway just in case there’s more lost loot.

News flashes of the blinding obvious

Ow ow ow! It’s time for a flash of the obvious, so put on those sunglasses now.

A new study has just revealed that dogs who bite kids may be irritable, afraid of loud noises, feel territorial or don’t like to be touched (especially by bratty kids). Do we really need a study to prove this? Since when did the phrase ‘Don’t bother the dog’ escape the parenting lexicon, leaving behind such gems as ‘Don’t stick your finger in that outlet,’ ‘Don’t pick up something from the floor and put it in your mouth,’ and ‘Don’t take those postage stamps and re-paper the dining room wall’ (sorry, personal experience creeping in there).

Basically, life is not a Disney movie, and all dogs don’t love kids, which is why they get bit. There, I’ve just saved the scientific community thousands of dollars.

But really, we’ve had an epidemic of contradicting and obvious information lately. Did you know that men prefer good-looking women? That made CNN, even though the study was done with a handful of people in Germany while they attended speed-dating. Sort of like a scientist following the girls in ‘Sex and the City’ around for a few nights, then declaring that women prefer a longer relationship with shoes than men.  I remember a while back that someone actually did a study on why prisoners want to escape prison. Are the scientists in today’s world just bored, jaded, or broken in spirit to go after the big discoveries anymore? We still have diseases that need curing, mysteries that need solving.  Why do people believe that soap opera characters are real? Why do so many prefer style over substance? Why do people watch televised wrestling? Did all of the staff writers at the now-defunct Weekly World News go to work at Fox?

The answers are out there, and inquiring minds want to know.